Monday again! Today is the best day of my life. You
know why? Because na only today my Pastor, told me
to gossip well well. It’s not that I can’t gossip on all the
other days, but the little problem be say only on
Mondays wey heaven go fit bless my gossip hustle. So if
for any reason, you enjoy this column so much that
you’ll want it on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and your
birthdays, well, how about you write your own,
because;
There is a drop of gossip in every man. Let’s get
down to talk talk.
President G. Jonathan’s New Wife
I’m sexy, and I know it! I’m not a candidate for Mr.
Nigeria gay pageant, but God and my mirror know say I
haven’t lost my appeal. Why? Because I will soon have a
shiny bald head, and I’m proud of my bald head.
Growing up, whenever I had the privilege of using a
mirror, my soul wept for shame. God blessed me with
an interesting mixture of ‘Bow and K legs’, He didn’t give
me height, but at least him give me enough to take
better pass tiny MI. I’m kinda fat, looking like one
plump roast pork meat, my shoulders are hunched,
reminding me of one Wicked Fulani dagger. But the
most interesting part na my big head. It’s big beyond
measure, and definitely bigger than Banky W’s
monstrosity. But I’m grateful because unlike Banky,
nobody don accuse my head of blocking the future of
Nigeria.
Then last year, I discovered that my hair, the only thing
that differentiates my head from Banky W’s desert don
dey disappear. I’m slowly getting bald. God why? Wetin
I do Satan? I no dey drag land for hellfire na? Why me?
At this young age, I’m about to start looking like my
father. (Disclaimer: My father is fine. In short, he’s
beautiful, in an old way). I no wan resemble my father.
I’m too young for that. I want to be as handsome as
Darey, sing with sweet voice like Praiz, dance like P-
Square , drink expensive ogogoro like 2face , ball like
Wizkid , smoke sweet weed like Jesse Jagz, MayD, and
Brymo, and above all love like Timi Dakolo .
Too bad, but it appears growing bald is not too bad
after all, because women love bald men. There’s
something about shiny oily heads that tend to make
girls fall in love. Bald men are sexy. In short, we’re the
best thing to happen to Nigeria since Alomo and Isi
Ewu . So that one mean say I’m sexy, and I know it.
Although I’m not as sexy as President Goodluck
Jonathan who has one fine Kenyan model stalking him.
I want to marry Nigeria’s bald President…
Yesso! The president of our darling Nigeria, Oga GEJ, the
giver of fresh air, is one of the sexiest men alive in
Nigeria. And he knows it. Almost all of Nigeria have a
crush on the man, students, doctors, bankers,
politicians, Gossipers, Ashawo, Armed robbbers, and
models. We all love the man, and the latest person to
love GEJ, is Kenyan model and ig Brother Africa The
Chase contestant, Alhuda Njoroge aka ‘Huddah
Monroe, who couldn’t hide her joy when she hear say
GEJ go visit Kenya. She said, “So when is Jonathan
landing? I’ve always had a crush on him. Nigeria,
prepare for a step mom.”
Chineke! This Kenyan mami-water wan start civil war?
With Dame Patience leading the charge with her
weapon of mass destruction; Bad English.
I, Amebo Pulse, refuse to allow you fall for my
president. Carry your love keep there for Kenya. If you
have a scarcity of bald men, then propose to Amebo
Pulse. Leave oga GEJ alone, you hear? He won’t love
back. Not when he has his sexy ‘fellow widow’
Patience beside him. Leave him alone.
But if for any reason, you can’t find another bald sexy
man, then Amebo Pulse won’t complain if you
propose to him. In fact, Amebo loves you, talk your
own.
And the Lagos State Ambassador For Energy is…
Short Black Boy!
Everywhere I turn, na so so ambassadors full
everywhere. GLO pack all the Nigerian celebrities, do
christmas for them, then call them ambassadors. See as
Burna Boy , Bez, Waje, Flavour and Naeto C dey
chop life. MTN too pack their own set of ambassadors,
then give them recharge cards to use disturb our peace
on Twitter. See as Don Jazzy dey share recharge card
like say na him papa dey print am. Ambassadors of
recharge card.
Na dis Ambassador business dey trend. Ambassador for
peace, Ambassador for Justice, Ambassasor of HIV,
Ambassador of Gold Circle, even Alomo get
Ambassadors. Well for Amebo Pulse , I hereby crown
myself the only Nigerian Ambassador of Gossip. Gbam!
Please don’t get me wrong, I love all Amassadors,
except for the most recent crowned Ambassador of
Energy for Lagos State- MI Abaga!
Seriously? Fashola, seriously? Lagos state has fallen my
hands. Ambassador for Energy! That name has power.
Energy, strength, muscle, power, 6 packs…definitely not
MI Abaga. With all due respect to all short black boys,
wey sabi rap music, but I think Lasgidi government got
this one wrong. Energy means power, and if ever Lagos
should get one Ambassador of Power, I expect the guy
to be one strong, muscular tout, fighter, wrestler,
weight-lifter, bouncer or Agbero wey get plenty energy.
Not one short singer wey no fit beat the weakest man
for KiriKiri prison.
“We don’t want James Bond Abaga”
Power, Energy, Strenght, Fight, Beat, Prison, Evil,
Muscle…definitely not MI Abaga.
How about Samuel Peter, the Nigerian weak Nightmare?
Wetin happen to Bash Ali, that old fighter wey no gree
die? Or if things get too bad, I have one wicked, strong,
Agbero called ‘Ganjababa’ who I’ll gladly offer to
represent Energy in lagos state. Not one rapper
without even small ½ pack.
Recommendation: MI Abaga, I strongly advise you
refuse the offer. Allow ‘Ganjababa’ to come
forward. It’s his birthright to represent power,
seeing that he’s the presido of all Ojuelegba
Agberos Association. Thank you.
Lol
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