Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Stupid replies(jokes)

Stupid Answers for Stupid Questions:

1. Someone calls you at 2 am in the night and ask you "are you sleeping?"
Ans: no, I’m picking beans.          
  2. They see you coming out of the bathroom, wet; ''did you just have a bath?''
Ans: no, I fell into the toilet bowl

3. You standing right in front of the elevator on the ground floor going to your office, yet they ask; ''going up?''
Ans: no, I’m waiting for my office to come down and get me!

4. Your boyfriend comes home with a bunch of flowers and you still asks him; ''are those flowers?''
Ans: no baby, they're carrots!

5. You're in the queue at the cinema to buy tickets, a friend see's you and ask; ''what are
you doing here?''
Ans: I’m here to pay my school fees!

6. When people see you lying down with your eyes closed, they still ask; ''are you sleeping?''
Ans: No! I'm practicing to die.

7. You went to a restaurant n the
waiter asks you: ''Plz can I get you a table?''
Ans: No. I’m here to eat on the floor. Abeg laff make u share to anoda person to laff too

Tuesday(jokes)

Over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We
repair what your husband
fixed."
On the trucks of a local
plumbing company in NE
Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep
with a drip. Call your
plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days
without pizza makes one
weak."
Outside a muffler shop: "No
appointment necessary. We
hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting
room: "Be back in 5 minutes.
Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's
office: "We can help you pick
your nose!"
On an electrician's truck: "Let
us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If
we see smoke, we will
assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If
you don't see what you're
looking for, you've come to
the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral
home: "Drive carefully. We'll
wait."

Actress Chika Ike wows in red as she's honored with HOG award

Actress, UN ambassador & refugee
ambassador Chika Ike got a HOG (Hall Of
Grace) Award for her humanitarian works
on Friday September 27th. Congrats to
her! Lovely dress...

Stoaway kids increases "America open your borders"lol.

The Airport Command of the Nigeria
Police Force has arrested three teenagers
for allegedly attempting to illegally board
some international flights in Lagos.
Commissioner of Police for the command,
Salahu Waheed, said the suspects, Lateef
Popoola, 13; Amadi Joshua, 14; and
Ukpabio Onyedikachi, 14, were arrested at
different times at the Murtala Mohammed
International Airport, Ikeja.
Waheed, while handing over the suspects
to their mothers, said there was a need
for their respective state governments to
rehabilitate them like the Edo State
Government did with teenage stowaway,
Daniel Ihekina, who was arrested on
August 24, 2013 after sneaking into the
tyre compartment of a Lagos-bound Arik
plane.
He said, “These boys were found at
different times at Murtala Muhammed
International Airport, Lagos. Their aim
was to get into any plane and travel out
of Nigeria.
“I decided to hand them over to their
parents so they will be well taken care of
and stop dwelling on the fantasy that you
can just come into the airport, enter a
plane and travel.
“Their state governments should try to
rehabilitate them just like Edo State did
for the stowaway in Benin.
“Lateef Popoola is from Ogun State;
Amadi Joshua is from Ebonyi while
Ukpabio Onyedikachi is from Abia State.
“The airport is not a place that you can
just come into and travel. There are
formalities. We don’t want to see these
children here again.”
The teenagers, who spoke to PUNCH
Metro, said they had been nursing the
idea of travelling abroad, adding that they
were not ready to execute their plans yet.
Lateef said he went to the tarmac to
observe how aeroplanes take off and
land.
He said he was able to gain access to the
runaway by sneaking into an airport
apron bus, but was arrested shortly after
alighting.
He said, “I am not in school, I dropped
out in Primary three. I was arrested last
week Wednesday. I actually wanted to
travel but I have yet to decided where I
will go. So, I just went to the tarmac to
see the aeroplanes.”
Lateef’s grandmother, Adunni, said she
had no idea that her grandson was
nursing the idea of travelling out of the
country. She said she had been
responsible for his upkeep since his
mother abandoned him at infancy.
“I did not know that he wanted to travel. I
just did not see him last week and I
started looking for him all over the place.
It was on Saturday that I finally found out
that he had been arrested,” she said.
Onyedikachi and Joshua were said to have
been arrested after asking some security
agents where Malaysia flights were
boarding.
After being questioned, the boys, who
were both in SS1, said they had no travel
documents and were immediately
arrested.
Police said Onyedikachi’s brother was in
Malaysia and it was possible that the
teenager wanted to travel out to see his
brother.
Onyedikachi, however said, “We were at
the departure area of the airport. We did
not attempt to travel out. We were just
loitering and wanted to see the
aeroplanes. We did not want to travel out
on that day.”
Onyedikachi’s mother berated her son for
his escapade. She said she had warned
him and Joshua to be well behaved at all
times.
She said, “I had no knowledge of what
they did. Onyedikachi is well taken care of
and is not suffering. I don’t know what
pushed him to do this.”

Kevin de Bruyne forced to train with Chelsea Under-21s following poor performance

Chelsea attacking midfielder Kevin de
Bruyne has been dropped from the
Chelsea first-team squad after Jose
Mourinho fumed following his
unimpressive performance in the Capital
One Cup victory over Swindon last week.
De Bruyne had started the season in
favour following Mourinho’s return to
Stamford Bridge, but having impressed
in pre-season and the season opening
victory over Hull City, he has slipped out
of favour and is likely not to travel to
Romania for the Blues’ Champions
League match against Steaua Bucharest.
The Belgian has been told to train with
the Under-21 squad for the next three
days, and de Bruyne is believed to be
deeply unhappy with his treatment
having been left out of the match-day
squad for the London derby against
Tottenham on Saturday.
The 22-year-old had a successful loan-
spell when he spent last season with
Werder Bremen, although he rejected a
return to Germany after Mourinho
convinced him he featured in his Chelsea
future.
Champions League runners-up Borussia
Dortmund were interested in signing de
Bruyne, but having begun the Premier
League ahead of two-time club player of
the year Juan Mata, the Belgium
international appeared to be a rare
young breakthrough into the Chelsea
squad.
But his future with the Blues has now
been thrown into doubt and with next
summer’s World Cup creeping to the
forefront of players’ minds, de Bruyne
could consider another loan-move in
January to try and cement his place in in
the national squad.
Mourinho had criticised de Bruyne for
his performance last Tuesday. Asked if
he was pleased with what he saw,
Mourinho replied: “not so much.
“The next time Kevin is on the pitch, he
has to think he’s playing for his next
appearance. At Werder Bremen [on loan
last season] he played every game. Here
he’s not playing every game. In Bremen
he didn’t need to prove himself so much.
This is a different reality. He’s competing
against very good players, so every
minute he’s on the pitch he has to work
really hard.”
But de Bruyne had appeared to be
determined to fight for his place,
admitting that he had managed it in his
recent years with Genk and Bremen.
Speaking in an exclusive interview with
The Independent’s Sam Wallace, de
Bruyne said: “I am a fighter. I learned it
at Genk in my first year when we were
fighting against going down. Also at
Bremen last year it was very difficult. We
had to fight more often than not. I will
fight again to earn my place.
“There were some teams interested in
buying me but the manager [Mourinho]
said he wanted me to stay. If he wants me
to stay I cannot say anything. I just have
to show everybody here that I can play
football and I can help the team.
“It was maybe a little bit of a temptation.
Dortmund is a big club and I really liked
the league there. I was doing well and
physically I was feeling good but I didn’t
make any problems when the manager
said you have to stay here. I just said OK,
and I will work.”

Samantha lewe paid agent $2000 for fake id

As Kenya continues to bolster security in
response to the terrorist attack on a Nairobi
mall, the DA has called for assurance that
everything is being done to protect South
Africa from a similar fate.
DA spokesman for state security Dirk
Stubbe said news of a local investigation
into al-Shabaab activity in the country was
cause for concern.
The Islamic militant group has claimed to
be behind the attack on the Westgate
shopping mall in Nairobi, where gunmen
killed dozens of people.
Last week, it was revealed that the Hawks’s
Crimes Against the State Unit had been
investigating alleged recruitment and fund-
raising for the group in South Africa for at
least the past year. Six months ago, it was
widely reported that the same group was
also running a training camp in the
country.
“I’m just going to say where there’s smoke
there’s fire… Last week it was a mall in
Kenya, the next it could just as easily be
one of our own,” said Stubbe. “We cannot
sit back and allow South Africa to become a
destination of choice for terrorists.”
The DA plans to issue a request that
ministers in the justice, crime prevention
and security clusters urgently brief the joint
standing committee on intelligence on the
investigation into so-called “White Widow”
Samantha Lewthwaite. Speculation has
placed the wanted woman, who used
forged travel documents between 2008 and
2011, at the centre of the attack on the
Kenyan mall.
However, Minister of Home Affairs Naledi
Pandor has stated that Kenyan authorities
have not linked the attack to the British
woman.
Stubbe hoped the briefing would help
synchronise investigations into terrorist
activity in South Africa, with local
authorities starting to work closely together
to prevent a potential threat.
Meanwhile, the body of James Thomas, the
57-year-old Cape Town man who was killed
during the mall attack – has been flown to
South Africa.
His son-in-law, Scott Lee-Jones, said the
businessman, who had been conducting
training in Kenya as part of his work for the
Allan Gray Orbis Foundation, had been
shot three times. A funeral service for
Thomas will take place at the Bishops
Diocesan College chapel in Rondebosch on
Wednesday.

October 1st

Four decades and 13 years ago, Nigeria
obtained paper independence from the
United Kingdom. Even though the
independence was some sort of fluke,
men of goodwill still had great
expectations. Generous observers
compared the prospects of Nigeria to
nations such as Australia and New
Zealand. They thought Nigeria would likely
surpass then work-in-progress nations
such as India, Malaysia, Singapore, and
other Asian Tigers. With a liberal
inventory of primary goods such as cocoa,
palm oil, groundnut and hide and skin,
which were in high demand by the
industrial nations on both the East and
West blocs of the Cold War, Nigeria
looked well on its way to taking its rightful
place in the comity of developed nations.
The brimming enthusiasm of the white-
men-in-black-skin who replaced the
retreating colonial bureaucrats was
palpable.
While receiving visiting Prime Minister
Abubakar Tafawa Balewa to Washington,
D.C., in July 1961, the American Vice-
President, Lyndon B. Johnson, observed,
“Mr. Prime Minister… you will find, as you
travel through this country, a very deep
and genuine interest in the exciting
development taking place in your country
and Africa today.” In an address to the
American House of Representatives,
Balewa said, with a bit of swagger, “the
flame of freedom once alight (on the
African continent) shall not go out again.”
He got a standing ovation. The blurb
behind “Which Way Africa?’, a book by
Basil Davidson, reads in part, “Events in
almost every corner of the (African)
continent have shown the world an Africa
poised on the threshold of new ventures.”
Famous first words. The optimism was
misplaced. Nowadays, Nigeria, a major
beneficiary of this optimism, is sometimes
regarded as a failed nation in American
Central Intelligence Agency circles.
Nigeria started out as the second largest
producer of cocoa in the world, after
Ghana. On account of its oil palm
produce, the southeastern corridor of
Nigeria was known as the area of the Oil
River. It was no surprise that the Nigerian
Institute for Oil Palm Research famously
exported ideas and seedlings to enhance
the agri-business of nations like Malaysia.
Nigeria’s Gross Domestic Product
surpassed those of many southern
European nations. The industrial parks of
Apapa, Ikeja, Kano, Kaduna and Enugu,
compared favourably with those of
Europe and North America. Just after
Independence Day, many factories
displayed their products at an exhibition
held along the Bar Beach on Victoria
Island, Lagos. Wall Street plotted positive
prosperity graphs for Nigeria, as the
Nigerian pound was one of the strongest
currencies in the world. As for the oil
industry, you could literally say the petro-
dollar was in the pipeline.
Nigerian personnel were respected
throughout the world: Nigerian jurists
became justices in other countries. One
became a Chief Justice of the International
Court of Justice at The Hague. Nigerian
doctors and academics were considered
among the best. Same for the civil
servants, especially those in the Foreign
Service. A former British Prime Minister,
Harold Wilson, once offered the opinion
that Chief Obafemi Awolowo would have
had a successful tenure as British Prime
Minister. This was the man described by
compatriot Dim Emeka Odumegwu-
Ojukwu as the best president Nigeria
never had. Sometimes, you wonder where
the statesmen migrated to.
But despite these positive indicators, the
system collapsed. The politicians, who
initially looked like Olympians, began to
exhibit extreme traits of corruption and
intolerance. They subverted the
democratic structures; jailed, maimed or
killed key opposition figures; rigged
elections; concocted false census figures;
derailed development programmes;
neglected infrastructure; and diverted
public funds to private purposes. Merit
was closeted. Tribalism and other forms
of cave instincts, hallmarks of mediocrity,
were brazenly promoted. The canons of
good governance and best practices were
held in breach. The polity was
overheating, and something had to give.
It gave. A group of army Majors moved
against the state, killed Prime Minister
Balewa, the Western Regional Premier,
Ladoke Akintola, and the Northern
Regional Premier, Ahmadu Bello, and
some senior military officers. These
wannabe heroes further compounded the
situation. Either as good students of the
parochial school or lacking professional
competence (both unacceptable
explanations), they spared politicians
from their own ethnic group and killed
those of other groups.
They lost the initiative to their senior
colleagues, in a hurried handing over
ceremony supervised by then British High
Commissioner to Nigeria. But the
beneficiaries of the power appeared to be
out of their depth. After a series of
snafus, coups and counter-coups, the
nation ended up with a grave
constitutional crisis, a debilitating civil war
and a war-weary military exercising
political powers it was ill-prepared for. As
both the civilian and military leaders
failed woefully, Nigeria ended on
wounded knees. The civil war diverted
good money from development projects
to buying arms and ammunition.
Government fell into the bad habit of
spending money just to maintain the
status quo. It failed to repair, retrofit and
expand infrastructure. Time magazine’s
Fareed Zakari observes that crumbling
infrastructure are barriers to growth. It
gets even worse with a bludgeoning
population and pilfering of public funds,
including freebie oil money. This freezing
of hopes resulted in arrested
development or economic stagnation.
Now, Nigeria, a net exporter of crude oil,
is also a net importer of refined
petroleum products.
Never mind those sterile statistics that
Government agencies such as the Ministry
of Finance, Ministry of National Planning,
Central Bank of Nigeria, Federal Office of
Statistics release once in a while. They are
compiled to either impress the World
Bank and the International Monetary
Fund or just to make some politically
correct noise. You know, growth rate,
inflation, Gross Domestic Product, interest
rate, exchange rate, living index and
income per capita? Paper tigers that
excite numbers-crunchers, but don’t
reflect as jobs, food, accommodation,
social services and dividends of
democracy, for the people. The New
Peoples Democratic Party, the nemesis of
the ruling party of Nigeria, is emphatic
that unemployment rate is staggering 80
per cent. The Nigerian National Petroleum
Corporation’s failure to remit enough
revenue has resulted in shortfall in
revenue allocation to states. There is little
money to pay staff salaries and pensions
or fund development projects. The
inadequate Internally Generated Revenue
that accrues to state governments is a
burden to marginally employed
individuals and more or less floundering
business entities.
Incidentally, the institutions that should
shift Nigeria’s economic frontiers forward
are stunted. Research institutions and
universities are down with crass anti-
intellectualism; the civil service, groaning
under parochialism, is bereft of
professionalism; industry is crippled by
collapsed infrastructure (though beer
brewers are making a bundle, because
Nigerians need to forget their problems
by staying inebriated); and the oil and gas
industry is bleeding from pipeline
vandalising and bunkering. The political
class? They are behaving badly. Just listen
to the discordant notes from the most
viable grouping of the lot. They are like a
troop of banshees; a herd of bulls in a
china shop.
On assuming public office, American
politicians quickly grow grey hair. But
Nigerian politicians grow jowls behind
their necks as their hair grow darker. They
never would take the admonition of the
US President John F. Kennedy to “Ask not
what your country can do for you. Ask
what you can do for your country.”
Verdict? The generation that succeeded
the Olympians, with feet of clay, are
Lilliputians long on talk, short on
performance. That explains the arrested
development of the nation. This, here, is
the niggardly state of the union on
Nigeria’s 53rd Independence Anniversary.
Whence cometh better days?